August 6, 2010

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One Morning At The Pearly Gates-

    Saint Peter clocked in the other day at 4:00 AM, chugged a gulp of Red Bull, and logged in to check out the daily task list. He then turned to Eliezer from the Night Shift and asked him about the day's quota:

 

    "Okay, who do we process first? Any specials? Remember, we have to keep 72 hours ahead of You-Know-Who."

 

    Eliezer looked at his log sheet, and said " Well, we have 57 rich people, 2 medics just in from Afghanistan, a lifeguard from Zuma Beach, 3 firefighters from an orphanage fire in Scranton, a crossing guard from Milwaukee, a rodeo clown from Waco, 2 advertising moguls and the guy who wrote the song 'Sunny'."

 

    Saint Peter thought for a minute, then said " Okay, bump the rich and the 2 advertising schmucks. Start with the firefighters, and then go to the lifeguard, the clown, the medics, and the songwriter. Anyone else special in the waiting area?"

 

    "Not sure, I've been too busy with dealing with that Antonov-24 crash in Siberia.  Could you look? I am swamped with paperwork."

 

    Saint Peter went to the video console and started cycling through the camera views. "Hmm, okay, looks like the same-old-same-old....Say, who's that?"

 

    "Who do you mean?"

 

   Saint Peter said " I'm not sure, he's a big guy and he looks familiar.  I think I have seen a departmental memo on him somewhere. Check the Book and tell me who Number 14584 is."

 

   Eliezer flipped through the pages of the Book, searched through the listings, and then found the reference Saint Peter was asking for. " Well, his name is Jim and he's from Fresno. He's with us after a long illness."

 

   Saint Peter was puzzled for a moment, and said " I know that name somehow. Check down with Receiving at the Warehouse and see if we have anything from the Prayer Chain."

 

   Eliezer phoned down to Magdalena in Receiving and asked if she had anything tagged for Candidate # 14584. After a moment, Saint Peter heard Eliezer say "Really, that much?". Saint Peter heard Eliezer hang up, and turned to see what Eliezer had found.

 

   " We have had 6 shipping containers full of prayers for this applicant in storage for years now. It seems that a lot of combat soldiers and their families have been putting in overtime on his behalf. Do you know what a 'BoreSnake' is?"

 

   Saint Peter thought about it for a moment. " You know, I think it's a big fuzzy string kind of thing. Those Marines we have got standing watch at the 12 Gates use them to clean those rifles that they never let out of their hands. What does a BoreSnake have to do with Candidate Jim?". 

 

   Eliezer paused "Well, it seems that the soldier's rifles down below don't work if they aren't cleaned properly. The BoreSnake works better than the standard gear issued by those cursed clerks from Supply, and that means we don't get more candidates than we should when they are used. Candidate Jim and his family made sure for years that the soldiers got them as gifts until the US military could get it's act together. "

 

   "How does that explain the prayers from the soldier's families?" Saint Peter looked even more confused to Eliezer than he had before.

 

   " Well, the soldiers pray for better ways to clean their rifles, and the families pray for the soldiers to get what they need to come home. In quite a number of cases, having the BoreSnake available to clean their rifles has saved soldier's lives so that they could rejoin their families, have children, serve their communities, Praise the Lord, that kind of thing. ".

 

   Saint Peter's eyes suddenly showed recognition of the situation. "Oh, I remember him now. He made sure that soldier's and their family's prayers were answered, working out of his own garage. He and his wife and daughter carried the whole burden without complaint. I tell you what, process him after the medics and then send him in to visit the Marines at Gate Number 3 first. It sounds like they will have a lot to talk about. Is there anything else that needs expediting before the morning meeting?"

 

   "Well, it's the ACLU again. They say that we are discriminating against mass murderers, pedophiles and human traffickers with our policies. They say they are going to file suit in Federal District Court if we don't change our standards in 60 days. What do we tell them?"

 

   Saint Peter thought for a moment. " What I would really like to do is send some lighting bolts their way to let them know who the higher authority really is. But right now the Chief is gathering them all up to use on Ahmadinejad and Joy Behar. Tell you what, inform them that they missed the 90 day filing deadline about 4000 years ago and that appeals won't be heard until Judgment Day.  Warn them that they risk being Judged in Contempt if they don't knock it off. "

 

    Eliezer said " Okay, but the procedural code hasn't worked on them before. What about sending them some locusts, boils or blood flies?"

 

    "Nope. That's how we got the ACLU in the first place. Stick with the paperwork, it's safer".

  

 

To Jim Kochheiser, In Memoriam

    Thanks Jim, for being such an inspiration.

 

 

    

 

Respectfully,

 

 

 

Anthony Canales

SFVMC-NRA

 

 

Copyright 2010 Anthony Canales,

except as noted. All rights reserved.